Raise your hand if this year has felt like a jumble of people trying to control each other?

I’m not one to do a rant post, so this won’t be that. There’s enough ranting in the collective right now, but I will admit that this new vibe that seems like it’s everywhere has taken a toll. The I’m right, you’re wrong, you don’t care, sit down you’re canceled. It seems wherever I turn, everyone’s telling the same story. The details vary but it’s basically HOW CAN YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY? YOU’RE AN MORON!

In a boring sea of all that noise, I have found one person stand in her truth. I’ve followed her for a long time and admire her as a creator. And recently, she revolutionized her life — at personal expense — so she could walk the walk. It’s integrity like I haven’t seen before. It’s rare these days, despite so many people yelling about just how much integrity they have right now lol.

 

So this writer, who I’ll leave anonymous for now, has been pouring her soul for a decade online. And I don’t know a better word to describe her than authentic. She’s real. Her articles read like a conversation that’s honest, vulnerable, and often working through complicated thoughts. Something that is in my experience NOT safe to do publicly right now. It’s ironic that we’ve never tried harder as a society to be sensitive and accept people… and yet I experience the most hostility I’ve ever experienced before. People straight up come after folks with pitch forks, and often (in my opinion) undeserved.

I’m not into cancel culture, and yet, I’m 100% in favor of the unfollow / unsubscribe from someone if you don’t like what they say policy. That’s not the same as literally rallying people to torment someone because you don’t like the way they said something.

 

 

Unpopular opinion: we are all figuring it out and none of us get it right all the time.

I’ve heard some unintentionally insulting things spoken in front of me (like, real bad shit that REALLY scratched on my own urge to cancel the fuck out of said people), but I didn’t react like that. It’s not easy, and I don’t succeed all the time, but I try my best to take those moments as an opportunity. And honestly, most people feel really bad once it’s pointed out to them compassionately… they actually feel the opposite when you come at them yelling how ignorant they are. It becomes a wasted opportunity to connect. The result instead is someone trying to feel superior and dole out shame, when really, we are all just as clueless as each other in some areas. No one knows it all.

I haven’t heard much authenticity at all lately, save for this writer and a few select others. In my experience, so many people are trying to out-woke each other and prove how much they get it. I’ve never felt more starved to hear someone actually admit that they make mistakes, that their opinions vary, that they feel conflicted by the chaos.

 

 

Some days I long for when I didn’t feel like this, when I, too, was a sheep who had signed allegiance to her team and therefore rallied against the other. I understand how it’s appealing. Feeling self righteous is an addiction. There’s been rants I’ve gone on that actually charged me up and it felt good. That’s fucking scary but it’s human too.

It’s so much harder to feel the way I do now. Like I don’t belong anywhere. Like I’m not sure of my convictions. I feel like this author… except she has the balls to say it. I’m so unimpressed with politics and the media… all sides. I’m so disappointed people would rather choose a side than step outside of what feels like a trap being set to distract us from our lives. I’m so disappointed by how easily we can pull each other’s strings and elicit a meltdown.

It’s true: I know exactly what to say to a fanatic on either side that would have them huffing and puffing in a second. EASY. Isn’t that scary? That we’ve lost all equilibrium and someone can play us like a harp? That they are?

This woman has many opinions that fall within what’s widely accepted and popular right now. And she also has other views that dissent from that. She’s a good person. Hell, we all are if we let ourselves be that and see it in each other. She’s amassed an audience over the years because she’s so open, and yes, a talented writer. Someone who reveals themselves so fully that you can see yourself in her world. I envy what she’s achieved. I’d love to have even some of that.

She stopped accepting sponsored posts (money! which for a working creative can be challenging to come by) because she didn’t want to ultimately contribute to making people think they need to consume more things. That’s commitment. I admire that. She’s spoken her truth even if it means she can literally lose her audience and livelihood, again for an artist this is a big deal. I don’t have anywhere near an audience her size and it’s so hard for me to be REAL if it means I might offend someone. I’m so used to wearing the mask of the pleaser that I’ve convinced myself what’s underneath isn’t what’s real, it’s something dangerous. It means I could be left alone. Rejected.

 

 

I’ve gone through a tough year. Obviously the state of the world weighs on me, but personally I’ve experienced some hardship. And you know what? I feel like I’m the closest to giving zero fucks about what people think. I would have never have been able to write and publicly share this post. I appreciate the struggle I’ve had with my body, with trying to conceive. I appreciate it in that way time only can gift you. Of all the things I’ve learned, perspective is the most valuable. We are all the same deep down. We bleed. We hurt. We struggle. We love. We give. We are worthy.

We are starved as a collective, even if many of us don’t see it yet. And if you see it, and I know there are people who do, I see you. I’m just one person in the world with a modest sliver of the internet. But I count. So do you. Each of us matters. Each interaction we have makes a difference.

I’m grateful for this writer. She inspired me to look at my life and examine how I’m being in this space and time. It’s not easy to do that, to look at myself and consider where I’m not being in integrity, where I sell out and for what poultry little payoffs. But it can be liberating.

And right now I feel free. I’m experiencing the possibility of what life could look like if I, too, lived boldly and from the direction of my heart.

Sending you light, love and less fucks to give,

c.