Albert Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.” This is the question I’m meditating on my 32nd birthday.

I wrote this as a private freehand journal entry and read it aloud to Jaime on our hike. He loved it so much he said I really should share it. So, here it is, unfiltered should you need to hear that we live in a friendly universe.

It’s all going to work out. There is no value in freaking out and causing anxiety.

Ask yourself. Does what i’m currently doing actually support my values.

What are my values right now?

This past week or maybe more I have been acting out of alignment with my values. I’ve been living outside of the moment somewhere off in the future. I realize I do this for several reasons. Sometimes, I’m so excited I dream and it takes me to the possibilities of what I can create. But, other times, it’s a negative way to get out of the experience in front of me. I’m thinking of fulfilling a different future need or want instead of fully engaging with what or who is in front of me. I get scared of being seriously seen or present. I am afraid of connecting. But when I leave that moment, that connection is what I day dream about, which means I am not wherever I am at that moment either.

This doesn’t support who I am right now. This year is a slow burn year, a year when being fully present and doing things slowly but with 100% intention is the bag. It’s not about productivity. It’s about presence and connection and love. It’s about deepening my connection and presence, which is quite literally all we have. I read a quote somewhere that the past already belongs to death. It’s an interesting way to see that. And yet, I can obsess over the past a lot. I ruminate over moments of shame all the while giving away more of my present moments to death himself. All this of my own doing. I am the architect of my life. I choose how to be. I am currently who I want to be, obviously, because otherwise I wouldn’t do it. So, does my current commitment support my values?

No.

Where I am does, how I’m being does not. I have not been in the moment enough with Jaime. I have not been giving my soul its deserved focus and expansion. I have not been treating my body with the nourishment it deserves. I’m impatient. I’m irritable. I am severely stressed about money. I fly off the handle in my mind. None of this is in alignment with my values.

I fundamentally believe that everything is happening for us.

I genuinely believe it’s all going to be okay. I know I can get through anything. I also know that on the other side of my own anxieties is a space where I can share my gifts with people, instead of focusing us on reinforcing them within myself. I know my journey is the most important one I’m on. I am energized when I spend time alone contemplating, creating, growing. I am also not an island, and connecting with others in a deeply beautiful all-in way is a reason I exist. It is a fundamental value I believe we all get to experience.

Because of this being my ethos, I get to believe in myself. I get to believe in my intentions. I get to believe in the good in others. I get to release all the judgement that I am putting on myself, that I can’t do anything right or as good as other people can, that my clothes or my taste or my website or my work are all subpar, that I can’t succeed. I get to throw away those fearful thoughts because I know that’s my ego and anxiety doing what it does, keeping me comfortable because when I’m comfortable I don’t fail. And that’s true, I won’t fail, but at what cost? Vitality, time, love, purpose, energy, joy, growth, fulfillment. It’s too dear a price to pay. All for what? To save from some potential failure? The price is too great for what I’m missing.

So no, my anxiety as of late is not who I am and clearly quite opposite of what I believe to be true about the our friendly universe. I believe this world is fundamentally good. People are good. And experiences are a product of how we show up. And even when we show up and get something different than we expected, it’s divine. It is meant to be and we can work with it. Overcome it. Excel not just despite of it but because of it. We are infinite, and the things that matter are not even the things I want to create, those are all mechanics… and they’re FUN. We’re meant to experience them. But… the true essence of life is in the invisible acts and feelings that come in between the cracks of those things.

It’s the moments of connection, of the love, of the service, of the joy. All the stuff that happens in between the process of experiencing working towards our accomplishments. That is what actually matters.