Hello my sweet friends. I hope your 2021 has been lovely. How are you? Let’s all take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. Hi 😊

I’ve been saying since it got cold in our mountain town that I was not ready for the warmth. I found myself craving the cold, staying inside, hibernating with a warm beverage and my comfy couch and view of Frye Mountain.

I grew up in Miami, Florida, as you probably know, so it took some time to adjust to the gloomier months here in Western North Carolina. But I did and now I must say, I love it. I have an appreciation for the different seasons, each one existing and serving a pivotal function for nature and its inhabitants, including me. I’ve found that I need the winter season of life.

I never knew the seasons would prepare me for the actual “winter” in my own life I’ve been feeling. My soul has felt heavy and bitterly cold. I’ve been retreating from most social interactions choosing instead to spend time at home and clear my mind. It’s worked, which feels amazing.

I’ve not often listened to my body and mind or actually taken heed to what it’s asking of me. It’s remarkable how we always know exactly what we need. And I have needed winter, it seems.

With the warmer days sneaking in, the spring season is slowly arriving, which I appreciate. No abrupt changes. That happens sometimes, in life and certainly with North Carolina’s crazy weather. One day it’s winter and the next it feels like summer. So, yeah, I appreciate the season cradling me in and slowly giving my eyes time to adjust to the sunshine and vibrant colors.

I’m feeling more hopeful and optimistic, which is to say I’m feeling more like myself. I’ve always been an optimistic thinker able to find gratitude in my life no matter what. It’s been so sad to feel disconnected from that lately, a little hopeless even. In fact, hearing of famous Youtuber Lee Macmillan‘s tragic suicide really shook me. Not because I’ve been having that dark of thoughts, but because we can seem so fine to the outside world, so privileged or happy or lucky or whatever, when inside we can be hurting.

I’m dancing around explicitly sharing what’s gotten me down, and I’m sorry if that makes for a boring blog post. I’m not trying to be vague and I will share it when I’m ready to be 100% raw and real. I think we get to normalize feeling these shitty moments in life. In our culture that feels… odd right now. On the one hand, there’s plenty of oversharing happening on social media. On the other, there’s some really encouraging and honest vulnerability out there. I feel like I can tell the difference, but either way, we are over saturated with messages, posts, pictures, videos of other people’s lives, sometimes it’s hard to even settle into our own and take an honest look at what we’re feeling.

That someone as beautiful, kind and talented as Lee Macmillan could have felt so alone and hopeless as to choose death over this life goes to show where we are as a collective. Mental health is everything. It’s just as valuable as physical health, ask a sick or sad person and they will tell you. In my darkest moments, if someone would given me an easy button to step out of this life and move on to another, I’d have taken it no questions asked. It feels scary to type that because now that I’ve done some work and healing, I would never ever choose to leave. I feel so fortunate to be in this life, right here, right now.

So 2021 has been been a growth year for me so far. And I’m just now starting to get through those growing pains. Life has been, well, achingly alive. How about that? I feel alive. I feel all the feelings we’re meant to experience here in the human game. What’s helped me? Days at home, like this one we filmed a few weekends ago. A normal day spent doing nothing. It was one of the first weekends I felt some joy and relief.

 

 

Wherever you are on your journey, I am sending you love and light. 💜

 

Ps. If you liked this post, you may like my memior, Embrace That Girl.

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