TGIF friends. It’s Friday morning and I’m having coffee looking out my dining room window at my favorite mountain that greets me every morning. Let’s get into some exciting updates I’ve been wanting to share…
First, I’m 37 weeks pregnant (9 months) and that’s just…. insane. This pregnancy went by really slow and really fast. In the words of my sister, it’s the “fastest slow process” she’s ever experienced. I second that. In the beginning, it seemed eternal. Then somewhere around the middle of my second trimester, things picked up and never really stopped feeling like that. Also, I’m ready to meet this baby girl and NOT be pregnant anymore 😉
A memo on self worth
When I began sharing my life online, I never thought anyone would care about little old me. Honestly. I wanted to share and connect, desperately so, but the looming insecure voice inside me assured me people would not care. I say this because it’s been humbling to be proven wrong. Since we created our youtube channel The Greene Home, whenever there is a pause in sharing, I can count on several fans checking in on us. I think God (the universe) did this on purpose for me. It’s a gift to be reminded that I matter, especially on the days I struggle the most.
I’m sharing this because I want to be honest about what every comment and email means to me. Which is to say: they mean the world. Our last video was uploaded at the end of 2021. We shared our co-ed baby shower and a trip down to Miami, Fl (formerly home). And then… well the third trimester hit hard and it doesn’t play, people. Pregnancy brain fog is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I simply don’t have the hours of concentration it takes to create and edit a video and post it. But I MISS it. I really do.
Youtube and sharing our life in videos has been life changing. It’s created connection in a way blogging never quite did. I’ve gotten to know the stories of strangers from around the country! People I’d never know if not for putting ourselves out there on Youtube. I’m working hard to appreciate and acknowledge these connections while not letting them validate or define me. For someone who has a rough time providing that confidence for myself, it’s a challenge.
So thank you to each and every one of you who reached out, really. It actually inspired me to reach out more often when I enjoy and connect with a creator’s work. You NEVER KNOW how much your message will mean to someone and how perfect the timing of its reception probably is. ♥️
Baby is ALMOST here! (A home reno update)
So, I’m 9 months pregnant. In this last post, I shared we are redecorating our house. A symptom of the nesting phase most people and books will inform you about. I’m here to concur… it’s totally a thing. I wish I “nested” earlier, because it’s been such a welcome distraction from the very real (and challenging) symptoms of my pregnancy.
Of course, the baby is a big motivator, but this is my first. While I can feel her and I know she’s there, her entrance into the world has been something imagined for me. That is to say, she’s an idea to me because I have no clue what bringing a life into this world is. I have no real experience to draw from. Although I’m 100% aware of her at all times, she still does not feel “real.”
Her arrival has prompted a lot. It’s ignited the best in us. Decorating this home was less a vanity project and more a call to action not to settle. It feels like using my hands and resources to create a space (a reality) that reflects what we deserve and value. There’s an expression I love and hate: how you do one thing is how you do everything.
When I’m not resisting it (which is almost never lol), I can open my awareness to the invisible rules I’ve agreed to live my life by (many of which are harmful). And yes, they affect EVERYTHING, even the more trivial things, like how I decorate my living space. I quickly realized how our home was a reflection of my lack of belief that I deserved the best, was capable of creating something I love… it was “just good enough.” And “just good enough” was showing up in a lot more places in my life.
With the help of therapy and the very real timeline growing inside me, we both got to work. We’ve had a laser-focused vision and we’ve built it with our own hands (and some much-needed help from my parents). I’ve never worked this feverishly to accomplish something. Feeling so focused on the vision that I had no time to entertain my doubts. Maybe my book was the last time I felt this way, and even then, I always made time to mentally shit on myself ;P
Youtube in the future (and thoughts on social media use)
We have plans to get back into Youtube in a big way once baby is here and we’re settled. I have no idea when that will be 😂, which would normally frustrate the hell out of me. I love a deadline and a predictable plan. However, pregnancy has been one giant exercise in surrender. The experience has taught me that I am not in control. I never was. Control is an illusion.
I’ve taken things far less seriously, I’ve not punished myself for choosing to honor my body and rest instead of pumping out videos (and other to do’s). It’s been a gift of radical self love and compassion… and I owe it all to the life growing inside me. The process of caring for her has allowed me to finally treasure myself and prioritize what’s real.
And guys… the internet is not real life. Have you seen that popular Tiktok? Haha. “I don’t know who needs to hear this BUT… the internet is not real life.” BUT CRIS… you just told us how you’ve made real connections on… the internet. Yes, I have… AND I it was (and continues to be) a challenge to feel worthy and have a healthy relationship with social media.
Ever since this popular buzzfeed article came out and several big-time influencers are quitting or severely scaling back social media use, there’s been a ripple effect in people admitting they feel like that too. I know I do.
The algorithm feels unwinnable (notice that language use). I feel bad about myself when I don’t get a response I’m hoping for. I see other people’s seemingly easy success on social media (which presents itself as real world success) and it makes me feel bad about myself. I’m tired of trying to guess what the app favors and then change my creativity to try and meet that demand. It feels like gambling. It feels obsessive. I catch myself opening the app after having just closed it, or for no reason at all. I feel like if I’m not on social media my business won’t thrive and I’ll miss out on everything.
Exhausting, huh? If you’re one of the few lucky ones that can use social media in a healthy way and it doesn’t make you feel foggy or bad about yourself, HIGH FIVE. Seriously. I, unfortunately, fall into the average category of folks who feel just like the above. In fact, it surprised me to hear that big-time influencers, those I would assume love it because they are successful at it, also feel this way. Reading their stories actually gave me pause: You mean… everyone feels this way? Like we NEED to do this and also it’s set up to make us spin our wheels?
Again, I’ve always been called to share my life on the internet. I don’t plan to change that, but it certainly gave me a lot to consider in terms of how I share, how often and why. Taking a step back from posting on youtube (and social media), at first made me feel really guilty. Like I wasn’t doing everything I could to put my work out there, I wasn’t doing enough, I’m not enough.
Russel Brand has said this often (his youtube channel is great if you haven’t checked it out): the business and product of social media is your consciousness. They are literally harvesting and selling your consciousness. You are the product, not social media. And it’s true. The game is rigged. It’s designed to feel unwinnable (at the very least Facebook and Instagram sure are). They want you (and reward you) to stay on for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. And what does that look like in the *real world*? Paralysis. A head stuck in a phone or computer. Time taken away from living and real experiences in order to simulate living online… for other people.
I don’t say this with the intention to quit social media. I won’t. There are positive aspects. I’ve discovered (and been discovered) on social media. Some of my favorite authors have come from there, things I’ve read or listened to that actually moved me and produced real results in my real life. So, it’s about taking stock of what matters. Of how important social media is (and isn’t). And using it intentionally.
Youtube feels like the most healthy social media platform for me. This will vary from person to person. Maybe because I never started off on there so it still feels fun and new, and not like a machine that needs to be fed with constant attention and consumption?
That’s the platform we will stick to for intentionally sharing our life… Subscribe if you’d like join 😉 The rest will come and go on a for-fun basis, not taking anything too seriously as far as posting schedule. And this blog? Well, I love this blog. It’s always felt therapeutic to me. So I will continue to share here as consistently as my schedule allows, remembering not to take it all so seriously anyway.
A new life direction
Like I said above, our daughter has affected our lives SO MUCH and she’s not even here. Her conception, growth and impending presence has shifted a lot–– even the circumstances around us. I like to believe it’s all connected. That we live in a world in which we are co-creating every experience for ourselves. And let me tell you, we’ve created a set of circumstances that are forcing us to be the people we’ve always wanted to be–– just in time for her arrival.
Part of that shift has been in awareness. Realizing (for me) where I settle and cutting that shit out. And the other part has felt more circumstantial, like the world conspired all at once in the last few months of this pregnancy to end the things that were draining us and didn’t align with our values… even if we didn’t want to.
For me, that was a change in employment, which promptly ended in the fall of 2021 (more on that in the video below). And for Jaime, there’s also been a shift in employment: now he will be fully self employed vs. an employee (starting the month our daughter is born). This was extremely stressful. To have all our financial plans, the insurance we were putting into and counting on, the stability we thought existed be ripped away, well, it sucked. Big time. There were moments of stress, for which I genuinely felt the peace and joy of this time in our life was stolen from us. And over time, as is always the case, we accepted these changes and decided not to look at them as something happening to us, but rather for us.
It’s simple enough for me to state that now in retrospect, but please know, there were weeks of crying, rage, discomfort and ugly emotions. All these factors also made it impossible to make youtube a priority (let alone social media and promoting my book and work). I needed to take care of my body and mental health by resting and spending any free time I had transforming my mindset around these new financial and life circumstances.
The plan for us has always been to work for ourselves. We didn’t think that moment would come this soon. We were counting on a longer, smoother transition. Over the years, I’ve dabbled between being self employed and being an employee, so this is somewhat familiar territory. For Jaime, it’s entirely new. And scary. It’s scary for me too that we’re both 100% reliant on ourselves. Not because I don’t have faith in us, I do. A lot, actually.
The world tells us unknowns are scary, that we should stick to what’s safe. Another big lesson? We were always 100% reliant on ourselves for making a living, regardless of how we chose to do it. Control and safety are illusions. As Jim Carrey said in that famous commencement speech I often quote:
“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.” – Jim Carrey
Nothing was ever guaranteed, we were simply sold that the path within the system is safer and stable. We were sold that it was easier. The pandemic showed us how quickly entire industries and “safe jobs and systems” crumbled. It revealed just how “stable” things really are.
For me (and many others), it was a peek behind the veil that revealed how much us BUYING INTO and BELIEVING these systems keeps them firmly in place. Our participation and belief holds it all together. We matter that much. Advertising is volatile, so I’ve experienced losing a client (and effectively my job) plenty of times. I’m so glad it happened that way early on because I learned quickly a job working for someone isn’t “safe” and it certainly isn’t easier, especially when it lacks purpose. It’s hard to put in 40 hours a week or more, pretending it doesn’t bother you that this isn’t your dream and going on living your life with the crumbs of free time they allot for you.
So in the end, I know this expedited and unexpected change will be purposeful. This child was not coming into the world without her parents finally being and acting out the vision they had for themselves. So what does this look like? For Jaime, he’ll still be kicking ass in sales in business for himself, we’ll still be renting out our two suites on airbnb for guests to come enjoy this special part of the world we live in, and whatever other streams of revenue we discover and create along the way. I will be primarily focused on our baby a few months after her birth, and then rejoining my own freelancing ventures and whatever else we create together. We have a few ideas we’re exploring, so for now I’ll keep those a secret 😉
Big life changes are scary, but when I allow myself to trust fully that this is all unfolding for us, I can access the excitement, the possibility (which is coincidentally the word I chose for myself this year). 2022 is shaping up to be a game changer.
With love and light,
c.
Ps. If you liked this post, you may like my memior, Embrace That Girl.
Pss. If you’d like to follow our journey on Youtube, subscribe to my channel: http://bit.ly/SubscribeToTheGreeneHome
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