It’s been a long time since I’ve had a moment to check in and write here! We are a family of 3 officially. It’s been three and a half months with our daughter, Noemi Rosalia Greene. Here’s our birth story.

Our birth story

 

Leading up to the birth, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I didn’t want to do too much or too little research. Based on connecting with other women on their births, what I gathered as great advice was: Nothing goes according to plan. Be flexible with what happens… and be 100% committed to having a good experience (or, as good as giving birth can be 😜).

I did this. I felt intentional and open. And, well, looking back I was a bit more attached to it going a certain way than I thought. My birth taught me so much and it was perfect, even though in the end, on paper, I got the birth I didn’t want.

On a Friday night at 11pm while I was sitting on my couch I felt a trickle and thought… maybe my water broke? Upon further investigation, it was not enough water to feel like an official “break” but it was more water than felt normal. So, we drove to the hospital an hour away not knowing if this was game time or not. When we got there, the doctor confirmed I had a leak… but I was not in labor. Once you have a leak, it’s game over. I had to be induced. Not great news, but I was over 40 weeks so I felt ready.

So, on to step 1, which for me was the “balloon.” Its more official name is the foley bulb, but don’t get it twisted. It’s a balloon they shove into you in an effort to manually get you to dilate. It falls out when you’re 4 centimeters. A few hours later, my balloon fell out and then the party began.

Contractions came in quick and they were TERRIBLE. I felt blinding pain that made it hard to focus and begged for an epidural. The nurses assured me the pain typically subsides when they come in after the balloon so hang in there and wait.

I hung in there and sure enough there was relief, but I was not progressing so they informed me they would begin to put me on Pitocin. I knew then and there I wanted my epidural because Pitocin-induced contractions are much stronger and more painful than natural contractions.

And, well, that was FUN. I know you probably weren’t expecting that, but it was. I began to have what felt like hallucinogenic dreams. And they were, in a word, wonderful. I had visions of myself as a toddler running in a field of flowers with Jaime, also a toddler, right there with me. Both of us holding a light, which I took to be our daughter. It was awesome.

Epidurals are a miracle and I highly recommend them if you’re open to it. Even though they had to fix me up because it had moved at some point, I was able to laugh and chat through big contractions. How did I know they were big? They looked huge on the computer screen I was hooked up to and I’ll take nirvana hallucination dreams over blinding pain any day 🙃

Now, shortly after this, things stalled unfortunately. I progressed all the way to 8 centimeters, but my baby girl went back up in the birth canal. Not a good sign for her departure obviously. The doctor began to be concerned by her heartbeat and I knew a hard conversation was coming.

One by one, the nurses were tallying off women on the birth floor who came in, got it done, and were being carted off to recovery land. All except my room. Finally, the doctor came in to gently probe me on a cesarian birth. I knew in my bones the minute she said it, that’s where we’d end up.

But, I was determined. I tried some positions to move her, as the doctor suspected she was in a twisted position. After 20 hours of laboring though, it was time to call it. The safest way for this child to come into the world was by a cesarian, so cesarian it was.

I won’t lie, in that moment, I felt resistant. Defeated. Broken. I felt like my body failed doing something it was naturally meant to accomplish. And in the end, after some time to reflect, I know exactly why I created this for myself.

Noemi’s birth, much like her time growing in my belly, taught me that I am powerful, I am tenacious and I can do anything. To be induced is hard on the body. It’s medically intervening and it’s a game of constant poking, prodding and drugs to see how the body responds or doesn’t. Even with an epidural and a beautiful trip, after hours of drugs, my body was exhausted. It was nearly midnight when I knew the best way to deliver Noemi was cesarian.

And let me tell you, it brought me no relief. To labor is hard. To have a cesarian birth… also hard. It didn’t feel like the conclusion I wanted or a “quick fix.” It felt like major surgery after my body had gone through a day of climbing to 8 centimeters dilated. More drugs. More pain. Worse recovery.

But we did it. We were so grateful for the nurses and everyone involved. I felt like they all treated us with extra love and tenderness knowing I had tried for so many hours to labor. They even made an exception to let Jaime join me in the OR from the beginning because I was so nervous.

The actual surgery was smooth. I suffer from anxiety, so my mind was the hardest thing about it. I felt a lot of pressure when they literally pulled her out. Lots of tugging. They did a “Simba show” (their words! haha) so I could see her over the curtain. Then, they began to empty me and sow me back up. Here, I got nervous because I felt some “deferred pain,” some pressure on my left upper shoulder area. That’s totally normal, but I was scared so they knocked me out with more drugs. Right before they did, the last thing I remember was them putting her against my face so I could feel her. And I was overcome with emotion but also still so nervous to know I was cut open on an operating table.

At this point, they pumped up the drugs and things got really trippy.

I had an out of body experience. I’m not sure if this is a normal response to drugs? I don’t partake in any recreationally so for me, it was an experience. I saw myself leave my body, I felt pure love, I felt like energy. Up I went lifting higher and higher until I was over of the hospital, then over North Carolina, then over the United States, then over the world. I felt like an atom, like I was made up of the very fibers of everything we know. I felt connected to everything and everyone.

Apparently, I asked Jaime at this time if I was still alive. This probably freaked him out in the moment, but everyone assured him I was definitely still alive.

I remember coming down from the meds and remembering where I was before I traveled so far. At that point, I held my baby girl. She was so tiny and perfect. Truly (and not because she’s mine), she was a really pretty newborn. I was still groggy but soon became alert and was feeding her for the first time.

It bears saying… women are incredible. I felt incredible. Even though I wished I could have been more present for her actual arrival and that disappointment was still there, I also felt really strong. It’s hard to explain because it feels like those two types of feelings cannot exist at the same time. Welcome to motherhood, the land of complexity 😄

So even though it wasn’t the birth I wanted, it was the birth that revealed who I am. It was the perfect birth for me. I genuinely never knew how strong I was. How physically and mentally capable I was to withstand anything. To know that my body is a gift. Her birth (and both of our resilience) is literally muscle memory I carry with me every day.

Every step of the way, Jaime was who I needed him to be. Supportive, anticipating anything, ready to make decisions and never leave my side. It’s the closet I’ve ever felt to him. We were in it together. When she came, he stayed with me on the operating table. He told me later he made that decision without any worry. “I knew she was perfectly fine, she was born into this world with her eyes open. You needed me more.” It was beautiful.

 

Our baby girl

 

Noemi Rosalia Greene came into the world on March 26, 2022 at almost midnight. She made the deadline to be birthday twins with my best friend Cris. Again, it was perfect. She is perfect. Since her conception, she has taken my breath away. She has surprised me at every turn. She has been the catalyst to my learning SURRENDER.

A Positive Birth Story

 

I want to end this birth reiterating that it was a positive experience even though it was the hardest day of my life. I truly believe this was the way it was meant to go for me, and in general, I believe all women get the birth that suits them (even if it wasn’t what they wanted).

All birth will be uncomfortable and painful for sure, but more than anything it’s about trust. Trusting yourself, your body, your birth partner, your providers. If you’re a woman reading this because your day is coming (I know I would do that in bed in the middle of the night during my third trimester), please know you have got this. Please know that any birth is natural because bringing a child into this world is the most natural thing we can do. Please be gentle on yourself.

Thanks for reading. If you want to know more about our journey as a family, and mine as a first time mom, I’d love to invite you to subscribe to our Youtube channel where I share videos about our life.

 

Love and light,

Cris