Hi friends, it’s been a while since I have written here.

And I’ve been thinking about why… at times I’m so attached to the way things need to look. And when I am stuck on the way something has to be, I miss out. Case and point, not posting for months on this blog and our youtube channel, which began as a chronicling of our move from Miami, FL to Bryson City, NC.

I’m used to editing at a computer surrounded by all my creature comforts. And once our baby was born that became, in two words, fucking impossible. There was no way. I tried. A lot. And any time I took out my laptop, she either lost it begging for my attention or tried to take advantage of my not looking at her to try and kill herself.

So, I created my first video on my phone. Which felt clunky. I wasn’t used to it. It was a simpler video…. BUT it was a video! And I did it.

 

Now, my youtube channel–– a hobby I adore because it continues to teach me this new skill and challenge me creatively –– is a low stakes place to learn this lesson of not being so attached to how the process looks.

This is something that has come up for me while I’ve done The Artist’s Way. Me being in my shit = living in a little box instead of thinking outside of it. After I made the video, I thought, where else am I making up that because I am a stay at home mom, I can’t accomplish these things?

I’m not saying I can always do it. Some days are a crap shoot and I’m lucky if I got to use the restroom in peace. I have so much to say about the experience of being a mother by the way, and I really don’t mean to crack the typical jokes here, because so much of it is extraordinary. And for me, someone who has always simultaneously worked and had a side gig/hobby, being a mother full time has come with its challenges around identity and making the choice between my longing to be there for her 24/7 and my desire to make cool art and share it.

 

 

I will always choose Noemi. But the thought never crossed my mind that maybe, amidst the chaos, I could also choose myself and have certain things happen for me… like journaling, writing, creating a video, working on our vacation rental business. It doesn’t look how it used to and for a while my attachment to that immediately made it impossible in my mind. I’m slowly learning how to let go of that resistance so I can be her mom and also fill my cup.

I don’t want it to go without saying: I’m SO grateful I have the privilege to choose being a stay at home mom. I never take that for granted, and in fact, it makes me feel guilty AF to have hard days. I feel like I don’t deserve them. I feel like I don’t deserve to want more when so many moms have to work and can’t make that choice. So I’m grateful…. and it’s hard for me not to work or create. It just is. Some days I long for that validation of participating in something collaborative that generates income for our family. Being a mother is the hardest job I’ve had (a cliché I KNOW but 150% true for me) and part of that difficulty is that my greatest accomplishments often go unseen and under appreciated.

 

I really struggle with validation. I need it so badly sometimes. When I was working, I was scared not to get it and because I put so much of my self worth in that positive reinforcement, I had/have a tough time with critical feedback (which is vital to growth). These are wounds I’m healing through The Artist’s Way, my journaling practice, life coaching… and being a mom.

For all the hardship I’ve brought up, being a mother is what’s genuinely helped me feel powerful, capable and open hearted. Embarrassingly, us sensitive artist souls who crave validation tend to also be… judgmental. Yuck it tasted bad to even write that down, but I’m not coming here to score SEO points or lie about who I am. Sometimes my judge comes out full force, never worse than on myself, and being a mother has made me so fucking accepting of other people and their choices. It’s wild. I think it’s because being a parent is so damn hard it grew my empathy muscle tenfold. Being a mom has been a soothing balm in that way. I can recognize when I see something that doesn’t work for me without attaching any negative belief to it.

Being a mother has been a god send in that way. I experience myself as open, accepting and in flow.  I have no attachment to how it it’s supposed to look. And thank goodness that I don’t because I do not parent by the book. I am often late. I tend to do the “wrong things.” And I don’t particularly care what people think. Hah! That’s quite a new experience for me.

It all makes me think, well, if I can be unattached to the process in some areas of my life, couldn’t I tap into that way of being for other areas? I can. I am learning to let that go.

How about you?

All my love,

c

 

Ps. If you liked this post, you may like my memior, Embrace That Girl.

Pss. If you’d like to follow our journey on Youtube, subscribe to my channel: http://bit.ly/SubscribeToTheGreeneHome

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