Hi… I had a baby. I’m back (kind-of).

Over the years, I’ve shared my life online one way or another. If you’re new here, I used to have a shared blog with my best friend. Then I made this web site for me when I quit my job and went on a long journey of figuring out what to do with my life… which lead me to live in our casita in the mountains of Bryson City.

Since then, I started a youtube channel, kind of ignored but sometimes sent out my newsletter, wrote a book (!!!!) and dabbled in other creative pursuits. All of that came to a halt when I went through a really tough fertility journey, got pregnant and then had our first baby, Noemi. Becoming a mother was really beautiful and hard. I didn’t know what I was doing logistically, everything felt like it was on fire a lot of the time… but most importantly, I hadn’t wrapped my head around who I am as a mother and what life will look like in that role.

I can safely say it took me until she was about a year old to feel like I could take a breath. I finally felt confident in that role. I knew her well and life began the process of falling into place and feeling normal. But I never quite regained my creative flow. Videos felt like a chore, the newsletter was forgotten, the book came and went… what was left was this tiny human and trying to navigate being her mother. Creativity took a back seat and I felt its absence over the years.

Last year, we went on a sabbatical to Spain while outfitting our cozy apartment in Florida so we could use it part of the year. It was an epic adventure. Things had been tough and yet, we began to carve out a life for ourselves I only ever dreamed of when I was working in an office with set hours. We were relaxed and the idea of a second kid had been lingering. When do we do it? Am I ready? Well… during our European sabbatical, the world (and the irresponsible carefree Spanish versions of ourselves) decided for us. We created an oopsie Spain baby and came home from our adventure with a miracle… and a complication.

It’s wild to compare the experiences of conceiving both our kids. They’re vastly different. After all the effort to bring Noemi into this world, I could hardly imagine a universe where 1 oopsie night would result in Jaime Livingston, our second baby boy. I can connect the dots looking back, and both were such purposeful experiences. My heart grew ten sizes bigger during Noemi’s conception and pregnancy. I have so much empathy for women wanting to become mothers and the world telling them not yet. I was ready for her and longed for her in a way I wouldn’t change, even though so much of it was really hard on my mental health and my body. And with Jaime, I was at ease with life. In trust and in flow. He came as a gift and everything about his unexpected arrival, even though it threw a monkey wrench in our plans, was easy.

I healed so much during his pregnancy and birth. There were a lot of events from Noemi’s birth and newborn years that came bubbling to the surface for me to look at, process and eventually heal. Jaime’s energy is that, healing. He has a peaceful presence that brings me calm. His eyes reveal a gentle sweetness. He is truly a light.

Everything felt fated and fell into place with him. My doctor this second time around was a two-time c-section mom and she made me feel so comforted by this journey. I wrote here about my experience birthing Noemi and the disappointment and ultimate empowerment the experience was. I knew a second c-section awaited me and I was nervous. It brought up all kinds of failure feelings and literal worries about the surgery now that I knew exactly what it entailed. But my doctor assured me this second birth would be a soothing balm, it would round out the experience of having a cesarian birth and make me feel good about it. I trusted her. And so it was.

Walking into a surgery is bonkers. I know it’s a small detail, but the fact that I walked in was surreal. Everything was more relaxed, the anesthesia felt different, I was able to be fully present for his arrival and I even nursed him while still in surgery! My body is amazing and I got to fully appreciate that this time around rather than feel it didn’t’ measure up because my birth was not vaginal.

When he cried for the first time I welled up with tears. It was so good to finally meet him. He was exactly as I’d imagined, serene. I have a theory based on my experience. I believe we embody the babies growing inside us. My daughter is a firecracker who is unapologetic about what she wants and expressing her feelings. When I was growing her inside of me, I magically took on those traits. And it was so refreshing! I loved it. This time around, I felt more relaxed and in flow. I wanted peace yet I knew how to set my boundaries. I had a feeling my son was going to be just like that, and so far, he is. That’s incredible, isn’t it?

Jaime Livingston Greene, you are what was missing in this family. I love you and never knew how much I needed you.

This week, I started The Artist’s Way.

It’s a book I read and journey I embark on every year or so. This time around, I didn’t start it with the intention of being more creatively productive. I don’t know what I’ll pick up again, if anything. But the Artist’s Way is a spiritual journey and I want to practice my faith muscles. I want to notice the miracles that happen around me all the time, not just appreciate them once they’ve happened. I want to commune with something divine, which is what my writing and creativity always did for me. I felt connected to something greater than me, something maternal taking care of me but also co-creating with me. I’m excited to see what will come of it and look forward to sharing more here.

Thanks for reading. xoxo.

c.