We’re on our way to the Florida Keys for a wedding as I read The 5 Love Languages out loud to my husband.
Yes, he’s a saint. He’s also accustomed to life with a writer. I approach the most important parts of my life with the diligence of a student. That’s how I function: study, analyze, process, and document.
“So apparently, the love-obsession stage lasts 2 years at best,” I read to him.
“Interesting,” he keeps his eyes on the road.
I was first introduced to the 5 Love Languages like many other people: through one of those quizzes online that play to our self-regarding tendencies. Oh, I thought, I wonder what my love language is?
I was not satisfied with my result because it was impossible to choose one answer for most of the questions. I wanted all the love languages. Am I a needy love hoarder or an anomaly? Or both? Turns out, i’m not.
After subjecting my husband to the first two chapters, I decide to quietly read the subsequent sections detailing each love language: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service and gifts. I found myself thinking I cannot not live without this far too often. In fact, the only love language that I could conclusively determine was not my primary one language was gifts. Other than that, my man better be supplying me with a heavy dose of time, affection, and loving words and actions.
The Five Love Languages
Words of Affirmation
“If this is your love language, you feel most cared for when your partner is open and expressive in telling you how wonderful they think you are, how much they appreciate you, etc.”
Acts of Service
“If your partner offering to watch the kids so you can go to the gym (or relieving you of some other task) gets your heart going, then this is your love language.”
Physical Touch
“This love language is just as it sounds. A warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy make you feel most loved when this is your love language.”
Quality Time
“This love language is about being together, fully present and engaged in the activity at hand, no matter how trivial.”
Gifts
“Your partner taking the time to give you a gift can make you feel appreciated.”
Figuring out your love language
Like a true modern therapist anticipating this would be the case, Author Gary Chapman had my back. Apparently, if you are one of two types of people you will have difficulty determining your primary love language:
- You feel loved and your partner shows that love to you with each of the languages, making it difficult to imagine which is most vital
- You feel un-loved and it’s hard to imagine which of the languages you don’t need
But make no mistake, he reaffirmed, we all have one, two at most.
At the risk of sounding obnoxious, I am the former archetype. It’s tough to imagine a world where I can only choose one or two of these essential ways to show and receive love. I need them all. Chapman is resolute in showing me, however, I do not.
Ask yourself these emotionally-jarring questions
What on the surface looks like a harmless, easy questionnaire to probe what really drives us emotionally is actually quite difficult–– even for the overly-loved love-languageless. Chapman would once again prove that although his book is not the most engrossing read you’ll pick up and his vocabulary-style is cheesy in a way that makes its contents unreachable to the male population, there is a working method to his theories on how we love.
- What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you the most deeply?
- What have you most often requested of your spouse?
- In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse?
I will let you sit on that as I, and many others before me, have our deeply held mom and dad issues come colorfully to the surface. However, is where you discover the good stuff.
Love Tank– yes, that’s real
I wish Chapman would have come up with a different analogy that did not make me feel like a weenie. I truly mean this.
Not one to let semantics get in the way of determining my love language, I press on. In his book he recommends couples play a game. The rules are simple, every day for a two-week period ask your partner how full their love tank is from a scale of 1 to 10. Based on their answer, ask what you can do to raise that number. And then do it.
And so it was that I found myself giving my husband a foot massage while his Rick & Morty time was sacrificed in favor of uninterrupted conversation between us. We were well on our way to discovering the key to our hearts.
What did I learn?
Defining my language wasn’t exactly a game changer as far as expression goes. I believe we should want to be a well-rounded giver in each of the love languages Chapman introduces. However, it did help me think about the reverse affects of our love languages.
For example, if someone’s love language is quality time (*ahem*), watching tv and cuddling together may not constitute as uninterrupted quality time. It can be confusing for their partner to hear let’s spend real time together, I miss you when the previous 4 nights were spent canoodling and binging Netflix. It can sound crazy, actually. But these distinctions are the keys to understanding what exactly it is we want from each other, and that type of wisdom will make for a more profound and satisfying relationship with your spouse.
Although my patience with Chapman wasn’t always there, I recognize the value in what he is preaching for us to define for ourselves. The implications of understanding this show up in our lives everywhere–– like our working relationships and friendships. Knowing the primary love language for the people you are relating to in a non-romantic capacity can transform your life.
Think about it, does your boss value quality time while you, a hard worker bee, value acts of service so you spend your days zeroed in on your computer pumping work out… Over time, you feel unappreciated and can’t understand why? What if the same scenario took place but you were able to identify your boss’ love language, so instead of focusing on independent productivity, you made a point to create one-on-one work time? That kind of love language fluency can make or break your career.
Bottom line: The book is worth a read. Check your ego and don’t judge the language. Let me know how it goes for you!