This morning, I was rereading a text message I wrote my husband months ago. I didn’t know that’s what I was reading. I save a lot of random things, like messages from friends, ideas, interesting tidbits I’ve read on a billboard and T-shirt slogans. When I pulled up this note the first time weeks ago, I thought it was something a friend had written me on a day I was clearly in my feelings. It wasn’t until I got to the end of the note that I realized I had written this to my husband. I was shocked.

Who is this person? It isn’t who I feel like right now. How could I have forgotten completely about it?

Ever since then I’ve been rereading and studying this note like a student. I repeat the words savoring their wisdom.

I’ll be honest, I’ve needed my past words like medicine. Ever since our move to North Carolina, I’ve felt an array of complicated feelings. Of course, the biggest struggle is not having my friends here. I’m used to sharing a bottle of wine whenever life starts lifing all over me. Becoming familiar with a new place has been part of it. Mostly though, it’s been a string of stressful and unexpected events having to do with purchasing our home. To top it all off, I went to an event with literary agents and had the opportunity to pitch one. I figured focusing on my book would help me feel better. However, I showed up to the event unprepared for my success… Let me explain. Having only focused on what could go wrong not what could go right, I pretty much bombed my 5-minute pitch. The meeting I happened to secure with the agent was the verbal equivalent of making fart noises with my mouth.

After all these months, I finally got to my breaking point. When I got into my car after the event I sobbed so hard my face got all puffy and ugly. It was like an emotional exorcism. That day was a wash, I walked around like a zombie, had one meaningful conversation with my best friend who saved me from complete wallowing.

The next morning, the sun shone on my face in bed. I looked out the window at the brick houses in my complex and felt a familiar feeling creep in. I knew I’d felt this before. My face was chapped and sore from crying, everything in my body was sore actually. It was an emotional hangover, the kind when you wake up feeling hazy because you zonked out so hard the night before, you can’t remember if you’re supposed to feel happy or not. As I lay there in bed, the morning filled with questionable possibility, I had a sneaking suspicion something bad happened yesterday… Oh that’s right, I’ll never have a career in publishing. Luckily, because I am now 31, there’s more sense in my brain than not. So I overrode that voice and instead looked out at the sun shining on my neighbor’s brick house. It was a new day.

I walked downstairs and felt the slight chill of fall’s temperature drop and made myself a fresh cup of coffee. When I sat down, I decided to look through the old notes in my phone. Perhaps I’ll find something worth reading. That’s when I stumbled upon the note. I was engrossed in the words wanting more, feeling uplifted with all the sense it was making. Who is this, I thought as I kept reading. A few minutes later, I discovered that I wrote it.

Yesterday, I was crying for all the things going wrong, I thought. I was embarrassed of my failure at the agent event and I felt like I would never be able to connect with others through my writing. Yet here I am experiencing the exact feeling I want people to experience… with my own words!

It was a moment I couldn’t have crafted better if I tried.

Usually, I end my stories with a thoughtful conclusion but today I’ll republish this note almost exactly as it was–– including embarrassing inside jokes and a complete lack of regard for grammar. I really hope it helps you as much it did me.

 

Desire comes from a deeper connected place where you’re plugged in to your vision for the world.

Success looks different for everyone.

What is your success?

Connect to the authenticity of your desires, not the inauthenticity of others’ stuff or accomplishments.

Connect to your own vision.

Want comes from scarcity.

You’re already setting yourself up for failure to “want more.”

I want – comes from not having.

I already am – possibilities are here.

It’s authentic to connect to how you’re being of service to the world. When you connect to who you get to be to fulfill your vision, it will all come in a snap!

The more you focus on what you don’t have, the more you won’t have it.

Surrender to the fact that you already ARE. You don’t lack anything.

If you want a new opportunity, you don’t need to put a number on that. What is it that you want and who do you get to be to make it happen? What do you get to do?

You get to be clear about what you’re creating. Is it a new job? A new house? I’m not sure I only hear you say more…

Your authenticity is what you get to connect to.

Having more money won’t wash away the worry of lack mentality because you’ll always want more… also mo’ money, mo’ problems! (It’s a real thing ask any rich person 😂) So what you really want is something different: it’s feeing valuable, freedom from location, being of service and on purpose, being love, being worry-free. You can do ALL of that right now. This moment, if you choose.

So what is this thing you REALLY want that you think money will solve?

A more productive thing to ask yourself is: How am in contribution to the world?

Be at peace with non-attachment and not knowing how it will look. You get to take action and let your vision unfold as you create the results.

Surrendering doesn’t mean you do nothing, it means you let go and drop into your vision and how you want to be of service. (not focusing on what you don’t have, that’s resistance)

Stand for what you’re creating and how it’s bettering the world! Add your vision into the world in your unique way. It’s a creative force… you get to generate and bring forth something from within you!

Connect to your desire. Keep focusing there.

Do not resist your money situation. Because if not then you’re choosing to connect and add energy to “I don’t have and I don’t know how to create.” Logically, if you’re plugging into this you can’t be the person who rises above it.

At the end of the day, you’re authoring these experiences to teach yourself.

You’re creating it all – especially the narrative in your head that keeps coming up as you’ll never be where you want to be.

Do you trust yourself? Do you know it’s all working for you? That you don’t need to be in control? That your life is the perfect experience for you and how you need to grow?

Be grateful for what’s showing up in your space, not resistant to it.

Being abundant doesn’t mean having more money… it means knowing WHATEVER happens you’ll be taken care of and being grateful for everything. When you’re abundant, you’re not focused on what’s not present, you’re focused on what’s present… because it is a present!

Drop into your heart and connect.